Letter of a Working Mother to her Daughter

My angel

Today, I just feel like pouring my heart out in front of you, and thus writing this letter. Why writing, and not just telling you verbally? Because writing makes the impression longer lasting. I am writing so that you can read this whenever you doubt my love for you.

As a kid, I was an enthusiastic student. I stood first in class almost every year. As I grew up a bit, I became an ambitious girl who wanted to earn fame and money, who wanted to be someone whom her parents could feel proud of. And when I became an adult, I started chasing my dreams of being a strong independent woman. I started my higher studies which were going to last for long. In the path of my ambitions, I met your father whom I could resonate with instantly, and I married him. And soon enough, we were blessed with the world’s biggest happiness of parenthood when you arrived in our lives.

For first few months, I enjoyed every bit of your existence. But later, when I joined back my work, life became difficult for me, not because I was incapable of managing work and home together, but because I had to fight with the guilt of leaving you behind for work. I still remember the day when I went to work for the first time after having you. You were 5 months old; when I was about to leave, you turned over your stomach and kept looking at me with pleading eyes, with questioning eyes as why I was not picking you up. And I started sobbing like a baby. I could not pick you up because then I would not have been able to go. I still haven’t forgotten those expressions on your face.…

Secondly, and the bigger difficulty is that working mothers have to constantly face the prejudice of the society. We are often judged to be insensitive selfish mothers. I don’t need to answer the society, but I need to answer you why I continue working at the cost of the time that I can spend with you.

First, I do it for you, yes, for you my darling, because I want to give you the best of the materialistic world. However, this is not entirely true, because your dad alone earns enough, and I will continue working even if your dad starts earning more than what we collectively earn. I will continue to work because I want you to see this side of a woman, strong, independent, yet responsible enough. I want you to be convinced that a woman should not let go her financial independence for anyone. I want you to learn how a woman can establish a good work life balance. I will continue to work because I want to become my daughter’s role model. I want you to know how much you can do and achieve. I know you sometimes have to come back to an empty home; I know you sometimes don’t get hot food to eat. But, is it too big a price for what we all as a family get in return; is it too big a price for having a contented and happy mother. Is this compromise not worth? And don’t I try my best to compensate for the whole week on weekends by toiling myself in kitchen whole day and cook your favorite dishes. You know what, sometimes when I neglect my work to be able to focus on you more, your father tells me that the one whom you are avoiding your work for will leave you one day and fly away to chase her own dreams; I completely agree with him, but I just can’t help loving you with all my heart.

Secondly, I do it for your dad. He chose me over all others for my zest of independence. He always wanted an equal partner. Now, if I change my priorities, it would mean betraying him which I cannot do. Your father is the most supportive husband ever possible, and if his wife cannot manage work after having kids, no wife can. Also, I work and I take his cooperation so that you know what kind of a partner you have to find for yourself; what kind of a man you and every girl deserve. I continue to take your dad’s cooperation so that my son learns what kind of a man, husband and father he has to become.

And lastly, I do it for myself. Undoubtedly, I love you a lot and I want to be a successful mother; but if I leave working, I would become a frustrated mother. I have invested more than a decade of my life to become what I am today, and so it is not easy for me to let everything go. My first priority is not my job, but my first priority is to manage my family and my work together in the best possible way, which I try to achieve by all possible means. Don’t I?

I was still pursuing my doctorate when I had you, and people asked me why I invited you into this world if I could not give you all my time and attention. Darling… I might not be academically ready, but biologically that was the right time to have you. Because one day, you too will need me the way I need your grandmother to help me raising you. That day, I don’t want to be too old to be able to help you. You would have suffered more than me had I not brought you into this world at the right time.

I work and I will continue working despite being judged by the society all the time, because I want you to live in an environment where everyone is independent, opinioned, strong, and yet loving and supportive to each other. I want you to know that love does not always mean sacrifices by the mother; love also means support and cooperation by the father and entire family. I want you to know that family does not always mean all the adjustments by the mother and enjoyment of the rights by the rest of the family; family means equality, in adjustments, in duties, and in rights too. I consider this as a very small contribution of mine towards building a society where equality and logic prevails.

A mother goes through killing pain to bring her children into this world, and the love that she showers on them all through her life is beyond words. All the small sacrifices that she makes day and night cannot be described… and for all these, she deserves to be rewarded, not punished by being caged into the house. I don’t mean that being at the service of family all the time is confinement, but if the family cooperates, a mother too can enjoy equality, career and independence.

My love… while everything I said above is entirely true, the bigger truth is that I love you the most, more than my work and more than myself. So, if any time in life I have to make an absolute choice between you and my work, the choice would obviously be you, and probably this is what several mothers do when they choose to become a stay at home mother after having kids. I salute them for the courage and sacrifice they make. We should really be respectful towards stay at home mothers, but we should not be prejudiced about the mothers who choose to continue working after having children. We should respect the stay at home mothers for their sacrifice, but we should also respect the working mothers for their hard work. They do a full time job in addition to being a full time mother.

So, my darling daughter, I seek your support. And to support me, all you have to do is to tell me that you understand.

Your ‘Not so Perfect’ but Loving Mother

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