Parents… Where are we going wrong?

If you are active on social media, you might have recently come across a video which reports about 8 boys aged 13-14 years, studying in a modern elite school in Mumbai, found to be having inappropriate chat on whatsapp. ‘Inappropriate’ is probably not the appropriate term here. The kids actually were talking about one night stand, raping and gang raping their classmate, using words such as ‘bang the girl’ and ‘gangbang the girl’. Honestly, I did not watch the complete news, I could not.

While this report comes as shock to all of us, I hope it comes as an eye opener too. Even if we, being stupidly optimistic, assume that this particular news is fake, we know deep down that such things are actually happening.

My question is, why do 13 years old have personal smart phones at the first place? Kaha aag lagi hai jo in bachcho ko bujhani hai. I am seriously disgusted. Why do we parents allow personal phones and computers to kids despite knowing about the easy availability of internet data these days and wrong content available. First, this ‘free internet’ has spoiled all of us. And second, we have spoiled our children. Why do we allow phones to our kids at such young age?

Years ago, there was a MMS scandal in a top notch school in Delhi. I now wonder why a student of 9^th class was carrying a phone with camera (camera phones were not so common at that time) to school. A child cannot buy a phone without the permission of his parents. And if he can, then parents need to be more realistic with the pocket money they give to their kids. Just because you have all the money does not mean you will give that all to a child to be misused.

The arguments given by parents in favor of allowing phones to kids usually are ‘they go to tuition, they need to be connected’. We also used to go to tuition, and we did not have any phone. Was it not doable? Okay, now the argument comes that it is not safe these days. Fine, valid argument. In that case, parents can keep a common phone at home, with no internet data, that the child can take when leaving home and put it back when home.

Second very common argument which kids use to fool their parents is ‘we need internet to complete our school assignments’. Very right, but why do parents need to give them personal phones or laptops for this. Can’t parents allow their children to use their laptop for a couple of hours a day? And if parents can’t allow, is it so difficult to have a common computer (not laptop) in the house. The place and angle of the computer can be strategically fixed so that you can have an eye on what is being done.

And lastly, kids emotionally blackmail their parents and bring in the weapon of peer pressure, and parents surrender; ‘all his friends have phones so he also needs to have one’. Really? Will you allow your child to become a drug addict due to peer pressure? Will you allow your child to become a rapist due to peer pressure? Will you allow your child to start drinking at a young age due to peer pressure? Well, by giving your child free access to dirty world of internet, you are doing exactly all of this. Please don’t call me prejudiced or judgmental. I agree not all kids grow up to become that, but by allowing internet at such tender age, you are at least opening these dirty roads to him. What happens later then depends if the positive aspects of your parenting overpower this negative aspect or not.

But I will be judgmental about the parents who I see in metro daily; the moment they enter the metro, they hand over the phone to their toddlers. Why? So that he does not get cranky, does not bother you, does not embarrass you in public? I am sorry for not being apologetic for being rude to such selfish parents. What if he does become cranky, he is a child, let him be. What if you feel a little embarrassed, nobody will remember you once you step out of the metro. But you choose your comfort. Some parents might say that he cries for phone and they cannot see him crying. Why does your child even know that there is an option of getting the phone and watching a cartoon video? I also have a toddler, and when she travels in metro, this is what she asks me ‘maa, why is every child watching phone?’ She does not know that being allowed to watch phone (freely, without conditions) can even be an option.

And then this attitude of parents gets carried forward. Your child becomes a teenager, says he needs a phone to stay connected, you conveniently avoid finding better alternatives and get him a personal phone. Your child says he needs internet for his school assignments, you get him that too and choose not to waste time on monitoring what actually he’s been doing.

Few parents may ask if denying internet exposure is the only solution we need to save our child’s innocence? No. But it surely is the most important one. You cannot deny the fact that internet world is like a quicksand. Kids start exploring it out of curiosity and then get dragged in the negative lanes of sexuality (rather than understanding and accepting it more positively).

What keeps us this busy? How we don’t have time for our own children? Teenage is such a tender phase. When our child goes through it, we should help them to better manage their hormones. This is the age when they are developing their sexuality and so curiosity and outbursts are normal. But these can be better managed. Uncontrolled access to internet will take their sexual development in the negative direction. We as parents are supposed to take it in the positive direction. Make them understand these changes more positively. Help them divert their immense energy and time in more constructive ways. Get them enrolled in activities such as sports, where they exhaust their time and energy.

Be their friends. But this cannot happen overnight. This relationship has to be built over the years, since beginning. For example, even if you hire a tuition teacher for your child since grade 1, be always involved in his/her homework. Always find out time to ask and see what homework and assignments he has been given and done. Now when he grows up and you ask what assignment he needs to do with the help of internet, or when you casually ask him to show what he found on internet (actually a way to check if whole of the time has been used for the right thing or not), he won’t feel that you are spying on him. Make it a routine, a habit, a default mode for him, sharing thing with his parents.

Giving time to your children has no substitute. No nanny, no tuition teacher, no one can do what you can do for your children. However, I highly suggest taking outside help and outsourcing things; so that you can spend all the time you have on more meaningful things, on the spiritual and social development of your child.

If mothers feel they are too busy to be involved in their children’s lives; hire full time maid, hire cook; just spend the little time you have with your child. Everything can be outsourced… except Parenting.

When I see my daughter, I wonder what type of world is waiting for her outside. I know I am raising a sensitive child, but I wonder how sensitive will the world be towards her.

For the sake of my child, I beg all the parents… Please raise your children rightly. Please make them sensitive human beings. Please make them responsible citizens.

I promise my child will never harm your child. Can you also promise me that your child will not harm mine either?

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